Biscuits and Sausage Gravy

Biscuits and Sausage Gravy

Due to its general deliciousness, it’s super easy to forget that gravy is essentially liquefied

animal fat, flour, and milk.  It’s like killing the animal wasn’t quite enough; we needed to render its fat into a delicious dressing to further fuel our carnivorous rage.  Which is why pigs probably exhaled a collective “oh shit” when human beings discovered biscuits and gravy. 

There are few things better in this world than breakfast food.  The problem is if you want the really good stuff you have to get out of bed at a decent enough hour to either make it yourself or at least make yourself presentable for other human beings so you can go to a restaurant (favorite breakfast place right now, by the way, is Ronnie’s Restaurant… get a cinnamon roll).  Both of those options are just massive pains in the ass; it’s the weekend and I have zero intention of getting out of bed before 11.  Unless golf is involved. 

But for you, my four faithful blog readers, I made the sacrifice of getting out of bed early last weekend so my girlfriend could cook me breakfast.  As I sat there on the couch watching Samurai Jack, I pondered whether my heroic sacrifice of sleep was worthy of some sort of medal or Federal Holiday; the experience was that traumatic.  But you’re worth it, dear reader, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.  Also worth it:  That giant plate of orange tinted biscuits and gravy. 

Here are some things this week’s recipe taught me.  First of all, frozen biscuits are ok to use.  I wrongly assumed that because they were frozen it would mean, somehow, they weren’t fresh.  Blame Wendy’s I guess.  But either way those damn biscuits came out as close to perfect as I could imagine.  The only way they could have been any better is if I didn’t have to get out of bed before 11 a.m. to eat them. 

Second, I learned that if you substitute spicy sausage into your recipe, you could get some unexpected color results.  In this case, the gravy came out with a slight orange tint that I would not have expected.  You’re probably thinking “Aluminum Chef AJ does not tolerate deviations from standard presentation.  That’s probably going to hurt the score.”  Normally you’d be right, but look at that photo and tell me you’re not thinking about licking your computer screen right now.  No, there will be no orange penalty on this day. 

That's a spicy piggy...

Actually, it’s hard to find anything to penalize in this dish.  Chef’s execution?  Adding spicy sausage instead of the standard was a flair that melted my stomach’s heart… which is totally a thing that will earn you a five every time you can pull it off.  For once I wasn't adding Frank's Red Hot or Tabasco sauce to my breakfast.  Jimmy Dean's hot meat was all the spice I needed to start my morning with a kick.

Put a price tag on this, I dare you.

Prep Difficulty?  This dish is so easy I was just texting the process to myself as I checked in on the kitchen every few minutes.  Sure, there’s some judgment involved (adding flour until the gravy is thick enough for your liking), but like I said in the intro:  Grease, flour, milk and stir.  Don’t like it spicy?  You're wrong, idiot.  But it's still a simple switch.  Even the frozen biscuits eliminate the terror of ripping open those pressurized tubes of bread that double as IEDs in times of civil unrest.  The most complicated part of this recipe was deciding what to call the stove top pot that was used, and I think we can all agreed I nailed that.

This was pretty tasty...

Cost would be a perfect 5 as well, because how can you put a price tag on this pork-laden sorcery?  Of course we lose a bit in opportunity cost.  Yes, the biscuits and gravy were delicious, but I’m never going to get back that opportunity to sleep in on Saturday morning.  And even though I know you completely sympathize with my pain and suffering, you probably think it's hardly fair to blame the chef for the early morning; and you’re likely right.  Especially when you consider that there was a nap immediately following breakfast.  Yep, I’m living the dream, folks. 

Of course, what it all comes down to is how rocking the party is in your mouth.  Well, this was a party that should have been shut down by the cops.  I'm legitimately sad for vegetarians (and people of faiths whose diets are restricted from pork) everywhere because they are not invited.  It hardly seems right to give such a simple, non daring dish a perfect score in taste; but sometimes things are perfect because of their simplicity.  This is definitely one of those times.  

Let's be honest, the whole dish was perfect.  And maybe it's a case of the chef knowing her

audience and being sick of getting mediocre scores; like "fuck you chubby, you want something delicious? BOOM!"  If that's how this happened, i'm not even mad.  It could have come with a note saying "made with all the spite I could muster," and I still would have eaten every bite and licked the plate.  And that's how you know you earned a 5.

Sausage gravy over flaky biscuits; the perfect way to remind pigs why they are where they are on the food chain.